How to lead by listening.

Hi Everyone,

To continue on in our series, building the competency of effective communication in a complex world, this week, I am going to introduce you to the principle:

When people speak, believe them. - If you listen well enough, people every single time will tell you about their whole world, the things that matter to them, what topics they care about, how they think about things. Even when a speaker is sharing objective data or statistics, they are choosing what data they believe to be important, revealing insight into what they view as a concern.

However, believing people is different from agreeing with what they believe.

Let that sink in. Really.

Listening is an action.

If you really want to get to know someone and understand them, tune in. When we do this, we are able to understand a perspective, and most importantly, learn what matters to the speaker. Be aware of their tone of voice, body language. Take note of the stories they tell again and again. An engaged listener builds connections and trust. This is hands down one of the most challenging yet important skills we can build.

We talk about listening all the time, because we need to.

Have you experienced the feeling of relief after sharing hard things with someone and then you felt a bazillion times better? It's all because someone that mattered heard you. Sometimes, the ACTION of listening is enough to accomplish alignment, connection, and forward momentum.

Listen for the commitment

Beneath every complaint is a commitment to something.

This is something my mentor, Susanne Conrad has helped me learn. For example, I had a client vent to me about how hard it was to work with her business partner and how their working styles were different. There was frustration around the speed at which things were getting done and what was being prioritized. Instead of over-empathizing (which is easy to do), I listened for the commitment underneath the complaint. I shared I heard she was committed to aligning on priorities in order to build momentum and ease in accomplishing their agreed-upon goals.

This immediately shifted her energy, and she could see and understand why there was frustration and identified what was needed; A conversation to re-align on priorities.

Over-empathizing in many situations is not helpful, instead it expands a reactive emotion. When you listen for the heart of the conversation, you can help the other person see what may be foggy for them at the moment.

Our commitments always carry a stronger energy than our worry, anger, doubt or frustration. Being a good listener involves helping people come back to their commitments.

Believing People is different from agreeing with them.

Distinguishing the difference from believing people versus agreeing with them is a key characteristic that will increase your listening skills dramatically. So often, we argue with people when we have a different perspective and we spend our time trying to convince them otherwise.

Guess what, people are always and only listening to themselves.

What you can do is believe them when they say they aren’t over something, even though logically, they should be over it. If they aren’t resolved from a conversation, there is still work to be done. And there may be nothing you can do about it, but to listen, and articulate back to them what you are hearing.

In order to truly master communication, it is also important to cultivate a set of principles that guides our interactions with others.

Last week we covered the importance of context, today we reviewed the power of listening for the heart of the conversation and believing people.

With these principles in mind, we can build a brighter future with more ease. And who doesn’t want that? I know I do.