Let’s talk about how we suck at communicating.
We have all experienced the power of words.
There was the time someone looked at you and said something encouraging, and also the pain evoked by being on the other end of harsh words. How about the power of unsaid words or unclear requests? I could go on - yet we all agree, communication is a challenge.
In the 1950s, at Cambridge University, John Austin came to a profound and simple discovery. Words don’t just serve as descriptions of the world, but they can make something happen by being spoken. Words have power.
Since his initial insight, much work has been done around “speech acts theory”- ways of speaking that make something happen and it now includes:
Promises
Requests
Offers
Assertions
Assessments
Declarations
When these speech acts are used together, the possibility and probability of a business succeeding and an individual reaching their goals increases significantly. Cut to me, sitting on a Tuesday evening at my eight year old's soccer game writing this to you. I’m taking the time because I want communication to be easier for you. I also care deeply about helping you increase the possibility and probability of you reaching your goals.
Over the next several weeks, I am going to take you through the essential functions of a conversation. I will dive deeper into the speech acts but will begin with a few principles that will lay the foundation of understanding. I adapted these from James Flaherty’s book, Coaching: Evoking excellence in others.
PRINCIPLE 1:
Context Matters
The same word that is said can mean different things. A word can mean a certain thing within a certain community. To speak with context, an understanding of the lister is crucial. Lack of context is often where communication breakdowns occur. For instance, when I help organizations create values, we define what each phrase means. For example, I chose Peter Blocks’ definition of accountability for one of n’goodcompany’s values.
Accountability is about acknowledging that time is a gift, is precious, and is a limitation we all face each day. In the time we have, we have contributed to creating, either intentionally or unintentionally, the conditions in our work and life that we wish to see changed. Dream teams are created the moment we decide together to act as creators of what it can become. This will occur when we are willing to answer the question of ourselves, "how have I contributed to creating the current reality?" When ownership is clear and it sets accountability, we can turn what's possible into a plan and declare with our actions "this is important and is worth our time, our gifts, and our money."
I googled the definition of the value of accountability and this is what I found: accountability is often seen as an individual obligation. The synonyms for accountability include terms like answerability, responsibility, liability, and culpability.
I hope this gives you an understanding of how important context is here in accomplishing what I want my team and I to experience and live into.
Let’s look at another example. When you read the word feedback what comes to mind? Did you feel defensive or notice your chest tighten up? When I facilitate feedback training with teams we always start by refiling the word in our brains. I ask everyone to share their definition and then I propose a new one. Once there is an understanding, I go forward with the training.
One of the most common ways I see context missing is when people make requests of others! Honestly, it’s crazy at how bad people are at articulating what they are truly asking of someone. When we aren’t getting our expectations met, we are mostly likely not giving clear requests of what our expectations are. For instance, I could ask my husband to go grocery shopping for me (which I literally would never do by the way) like this, “Hey Justin, can you run to HEB and grab us some groceries for the week so I can focus on cleaning the house? Vs. Hey Justin, can you grab some raw chicken breasts, a pound of maple turkey shaved from the deli, our usual breakfast items and the boys' favorite bread from HEB today while I am cleaning the house? Since we have a core list of items we typically get, he ‘should’ know what I mean, but I promise you he doesn’t. And instead of being flabbergasted when he comes home with some chips and salsa, I can give him context to my request. I can be specific with what will satisfy my request and give him a time I am requesting he do it by.
PROMPT: Take time this week to reflect on a conversation where there was a misunderstanding and then ask yourself what context was missing?
NEXT WEEK: We are talking through the foundational principle, When people share, believe them. This one is JUICY and I promise you don’t want to miss it.
To a bright future,
Brooke
